Self-Compassion Will Make Me Soft
“If I start being kind to myself, won’t I lose my edge and become lazy and complacent?”
This question, posed by a high-achieving client of mine, echoes a common fear among ambitious professionals. It’s a sentiment I’ve heard time and time again in my coaching practice. The idea that self-compassion might some how dampen our drive or make us “soft” is a persistent myth that needs debunking. As a performance coach and a work-in-progress recovering perfectionist, I’ve seen firsthand how self-compassion can be a game-changer for driven individuals. It’s not about being soft on yourself; it’s about nurturing a strong inner voice that empowers you to be even better.
Understanding Self-Compassion: More Than Just Being Nice to Yourself
“Self-Compassion: Being warm and understanding toward ourselves when we suffer, fail, or feel inadequate, rather than ignoring our pain or flagellating ourselves with self-criticism”
—Dr Kristin Neff
Self-compassion isn’t about pampering yourself or lowering your standards. Dr. Kristin Neff, a pioneer in self-compassion research, defines it as “being warm and understanding toward ourselves when we suffer, fail, or feel inadequate, rather than ignoring our pain or flagellating ourselves with self-criticism.”
Here’s what it looks like in practice:
- Self-kindness: Instead of harsh self-criticism, you offer yourself understanding and support.
- Common humanity: You recognise that everyone faces challenges and imperfections – you’re not alone in your struggles.
- Mindfulness: You maintain a balanced awareness of your thoughts and feelings, without over-identifying with them.
Think of it as having a wise, supportive mentor in your corner – except that mentor is you.
The Science-Backed Benefits for High Performers
“A moment of self-compassion can change your entire day. A string of such moments can change the course of your life.”
—Dr Christopher Germer
If you’re thinking it all sounds too good to be true. How can being kind to yourself boost your performance? Here are some studies to back it up.
- Enhanced resilience: Studies show that self-compassionate individuals bounce back from setbacks faster. They’re more likely to see failures as learning opportunities rather than personal deficiencies.
- Reduced stress and anxiety: Studies found that self-compassionate people had lower inflammatory responses to stress, lower cortisol levels and decreased heart rates during stressful situations. This means better stress management and clearer thinking under pressure.
- Increased motivation: Contrary to the fear that self-compassion leads to complacency, it actually enhances intrinsic motivation. As Dr. Neff states in her book “Self-Compassion: The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself”- “Self-compassion is a more effective motivator than self-criticism because its driving force is love, not fear.”
- Improved mental health: Self-compassion is linked to lower levels of anxiety and depression – crucial for maintaining peak performance over the long haul.
Dr. Christopher Germer, a clinical psychologist and mindfulness expert, emphasises this point: “A moment of self-compassion can change your entire day. A string of such moments can change the course of your life.”
Practical Strategies to Cultivate Self-Compassion
Like most things, self-compassion is a skill that can be developed and strengthened with practice. Here are some practical strategies that have helped my high-performing clients and myself.
1. The self-compassion break
When you’re facing a challenge, try this quick exercise developed by Dr. Neff:
- Acknowledge the difficulty: “This is a moment of struggle”
- Remind yourself of common humanity: “Other people struggle at times too”
- Offer yourself kindness: “May I be kind to myself right now”, or if saying kind words to yourself feels too challenging at this point, try imagining what a supportive friend would say in this situation and visualise them offering comfort.
2. Reframe your self-talk
Notice your inner critic and consciously replace harsh self-talk with more supportive language. Instead of “I’m such an idiot! How could I have done that?” try “Everyone makes mistakes. What can I learn from this?“
3. Mindfulness meditation
Pause for a moment to ground yourself and focus on your breath. Start with whatever feels accessible for you right now, whether that be one, five or 15 minutes a day, and over time increase the length. This builds the mindfulness component of self-compassion and helps you stay present.
Remember, it’s normal for self-kindness to feel awkward and uncomfortable at first; start small and be patient with yourself as you practice. Like any new skill, self-compassion gets easier with time and consistent effort.
Overcoming the “Soft” Myth
“With self-compassion, we give ourselves the same kindness and care we’d give to a good friend”
—Dr Kristin Neff
Remember my client who worried about losing her edge? After implementing these strategies, she reported feeling more focused, calm, resilient, and ironically, more driven. She described herself as still her, but a better, more balanced version of herself. She realised that self-compassion wasn’t making her soft; it was giving her the fuel to perform at her best. The truth is, self-compassion isn’t about lowering your standards. It’s about changing how you relate to those standards. As Dr. Neff puts it, “With self-compassion, we give ourselves the same kindness and care we’d give to a good friend.”
Self-Compassion Starts Now!
It’s easy to read self-development articles like this and think, “I’ll get to this later when I have more time,” but how often do we actually follow through on those intentions?
I encourage you to take action now. Try one self-compassion practice straight away. Think of this action of self-compassion as the activation energy for a new self-compassion habit. Start small; it could be as simple as taking a self-compassion break or reframing your self-talk. Pay attention to how you feel as a result.
Remember, being kind to yourself isn’t just a nice-to-have for high achievers—it’s essential. By weaving self-compassion into your daily life, you’re not only sharpening your edge; you’re ensuring that it remains sharp for the long haul. As Brené Brown, a renowned researcher on vulnerability and courage, wisely states: “Talk to yourself like you would to someone you love.” This shift in perspective can profoundly enhance your performance and well-being.
Are you ready to unlock your full potential through self-compassion?
If you’d like personalised support in integrating self-compassion into your leadership journey or team culture, let’s chat! Book a free chat here, and together we’ll explore how self-compassion can elevate you and your team’s performance and well-being.
About the author
Josie Askin, CEO of Spring Coaching, is a performance and productivity coach who works with driven leaders and entrepreneurs to improve their performance and productivity.
Josie has nearly 20 years working in government, in a range of advisory roles. She became interested in the gaps between workplace performance and wellbeing, gradually building analogies between sport and business performance while gaining several coaching qualifications. Now she deals with clients under pressure from all walks of life offering tailored leadership performance coaching, workplace wellbeing programmes, workshops, speaking and facilitation.