Saying No: The Struggle Is Real
“Every year, it feels like I start crawling toward the end of the year earlier” one female leader remarked during a recent networking event. It was the first week back after the school holidays, and many in the room were juggling dual roles as leaders at work and at home—balancing childcare and business responsibilities. Exhaustion was the common theme as we entered the final quarter.
Deadlines loomed, targets felt daunting, and the pressure of end-of-year festivities and engagements seemed to be starting earlier than ever. There was a collective sense of overwhelm as everyone felt the pressure to say yes to every opportunity and request. Another leader summed it up perfectly: “If I don’t learn how to say no, I’m going to burn out before December even hits, and I still haven’t started my Christmas shopping!”
This conversation really struck a chord with me and inspired me to write this article. We all understand the importance of protecting our time and energy, but that doesn’t necessarily make saying no any easier. As leaders—regardless of our formal titles—we often find ourselves stretched too thin. We may hesitate to say no for fear of disappointing others, missing out on opportunities, or simply wanting to feel needed. However, mastering the art of saying no is a vital leadership skill; it enables us to focus on what truly matters and helps prevent burnout.
Saying Yes: The Cost of Over Commitment
While hustle culture may tout the benefits of saying “yes” to every opportunity—after all, you’ve got to be in it to win it—overcommitting often comes with hidden costs that can significantly impact our wellbeing and effectiveness as leaders.
The consequences of overcommitting include:
- Exhaustion and burnout: Attempting to meet every demand can deplete our mental, emotional, and physical resources. It’s essential to remember that we have only one battery to power all our needs, and running it down can lead to exhaustion that affects both our personal and professional lives.
- Decreased productivity and efficiency: When we juggle too many tasks, our attention gets spread too thin, leading to less meaningful work. It’s like using a hose on spray—water goes in all directions, even reaching plants that don’t need it, while the ones that do get starved of the water they need to thrive. Instead, we should focus the water directly on the plants that need it most. By prioritising our efforts, we can ensure that our most important tasks receive the attention they deserve.
- Frustration and resentment: Consistently prioritising others’ requests over our own needs can lead to feelings of frustration and resentment. This emotional toll can create a toxic atmosphere, where we feel undervalued and unappreciated, impacting our motivation and relationships with colleagues and loved ones.
Saying No: The Benefits of Being Selective
While it may be tempting to say ‘yes’ to every request that comes our way, having the confidence to say ‘no’ without guilt or regret, when it truly matters can significantly enhance our effectiveness as leaders, creating positive impacts for both ourselves and those we lead.
- Enhanced focus and clarity of purpose: By eliminating distractions and declining commitments that don’t align with your priorities, you can concentrate more effectively on what truly matters. This clarity allows you to stay focused on what aligns with your goals and values.
- Improved time management and decision-making: Taking control of your schedule enables you to allocate time and resources more strategically. This focused approach frees up mental space, allowing for better decision-making as you concentrate on fewer, more meaningful choices.
- Increased resilience: Learning to say no without guilt or regret builds resilience by enabling you to prioritise your energy and efforts. This skill helps you become more adaptable to challenges and changes, as you are not overextended by unnecessary commitments.
- Team empowerment and growth: Saying no can create opportunities for others in your team to step up, take initiative, and develop their skills. This fosters a more empowered work environment, where team members feel capable and valued.
- Modelling healthy and effective behaviour: As a leader, your actions set an example for others. By saying no, you demonstrate the importance of prioritisation and self-respect, inspiring your team to adopt similar practices in their own work
- Improved work-life balance: By being selective about your commitments, you can create more space in your schedule for personal time. This leads to a healthier work-life balance, where you can recharge and be more present in both your professional and personal life.
Strategies For Saying No Without Guilt Or Regret
“You can and should set your own limits and clearly articulate them. This takes courage, but it is also liberating and empowering, and often earns you new respect.”
—Rosalind Brewer
Saying no doesn’t have to be confrontational, uncomfortable or make you feel bad. There are ways to do it that will not but also strengthen your relationships.
Here are some strategies to help:
1. Set Boundaries and Articulate Them
Identify what truly matters to you and establish clear boundaries around those priorities. By communicating your needs and preferences, people are less likely to make requests that conflict with your boundaries and help them understand your decision-making process. For instance, while one person may thrive by working late due to fewer commitments, another might prefer to start early. Clear communication allows everyone to respect each other’s unique situations.
Example: “My weekends are reserved for time with my family”
2. Be Clear and Direct
A simple and respectful “No, thank you” is often enough. You don’t need to apologise, over-explain or justify your decision.
Example: “I appreciate the opportunity, but I’m fully committed at the moment.”
3. Offer Alternatives
If you need to decline a request but feel compelled to help due to important professional and personal obligations, consider offering alternatives. You might take on part of the task or connect the requester with someone who can assist. This approach maintains a collaborative atmosphere, demonstrating your commitment to the team’s success while respecting your own boundaries.
Example: “I’m unable to take this on right now, but I can introduce you to someone who would be great for the task and has some capacity”
4. Defer A No
Sometimes, you may not be able to commit now to an additional task, but you can offer to revisit the request later.
Example: “I am working on something else at the moment. Why don’t you make a start and if you still need my help come and ask me tomorrow morning”
5. Prioritise your wellbeing and energy
Protecting your mental and emotional bandwidth is just as important as protecting your time. If a request feels like it will drain your energy, it’s worth reconsidering.
Example: “I’m focusing on a few key priorities right now and won’t be able to contribute to this, but I’d love to hear about the outcome later!”
6. Practice saying no
Saying no confidently without guilt or regret is like anything, is the same as developing any new skill – it get’s easier the more you do it. Practice saying no in a safe environment, or do some role playing with someone you trust to build confidence.
Example: “I’ve been working on getting better at setting boundaries and saying no. Would you be willing to help me role play some different scenarios?”
For more ideas including some practice scripts check out my free cheat sheet – The Empowered No: Taking Control of your Commitments.
An Informed No: The Strategic Question
“A Yes is nothing without a No that gives it boundaries and form” – The Advice Trap, Be Humble, Stay Curious & Change the Way You Lead Forever
One of my favorite tools for achieving balance, and supporting a confident no without guilt or regret comes from the best- seller “The Advice Trap, Be Humble, Stay Curious & Change the Way You Lead Forever” by Michael Bungay-Stainer. His one question to rule all others: “If you say yes to this, what must you say no to?” forces us to think critically about our commitments. Saying yes isn’t just about agreeing to one new task—it often means we are unconsciously saying no to other important priorities, whether that’s our personal time, key projects, or even our health.
For example, if you say yes to taking on another meeting at the end of an already packed day, what are you saying no to? Perhaps it’s saying no to leaving work on time, having dinner with your family, or getting the rest you need to recharge for the next day. By framing the decision this way, you can weigh the opportunity cost and make a more intentional choice.
Building a Culture of Respecting Boundaries
As leaders, we have the power to influence our workplace cultures. If we model healthy boundaries, our teams will follow. Encourage your team to be thoughtful about their commitments and to communicate when they are feeling overwhelmed. The more transparent and open we are about our limits, the more others will respect them.
A proactive, boundary-setting leader doesn’t just help themselves—they help their team manage expectations and maintain balance too. When we say no to what doesn’t align with our goals, we create space to say yes to the things that truly matter.
Master the Art of Saying No: Lead with Confidence and Clarity
As the year’s end approaches, the ability to say no becomes increasingly vital. It’s not about being mean or turning down every opportunity but about making intentional choices that align with your values and goals. By honing this skill, leaders can maintain focus, avoid burnout, and lead with greater effectiveness.
For more expert guidance on setting boundaries without guilt or regret, and becoming a more effective leader please book in for a free Action Game Plan.
About the author
Josie Askin, CEO of Spring Coaching, is a performance and productivity coach who works with driven leaders and entrepreneurs to improve their performance and productivity.
Josie has nearly 20 years working in government, in a range of advisory roles. She became interested in the gaps between workplace performance and wellbeing, gradually building analogies between sport and business performance while gaining several coaching qualifications. Now she deals with clients under pressure from all walks of life offering tailored leadership performance coaching, workplace wellbeing programmes, workshops, speaking and facilitation.